Friday, February 29, 2008

HAPPINESS IS YOU

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“You wander from room to room, hunting for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck” – Rumi

Contrary to the popular belief, which is also enshrined into the US constitution, happiness is not something that you pursue; it is not a destination you aspire to reach some day. Happiness is not in the things you pursue; it’s in you. Rumi once said, “You wander from room to room, hunting for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck”. Stop pursuing happiness, learn to discover it.

Most of us keep postponing happiness to some big event in the future. You will hear such expressions like; I’ll be happy when I make lots of money; I’ll be happy when I find my dream relationship; I’ll be happy when I buy that big house; I’ll be happy when I achieve this or acquire that. So we keep waiting, keep postponing our happiness. And when we finally get what we want, our joy is only short-lived. Our enthusiasm wears down fast and we start pursuing the next thing that we believe would really make us happy. And if we get that, we start chasing the next illusion in line. Fact of the matter is you don’t need to have ‘things’ to feel happy. Feel happy and all the things you need will manifest themselves.

So many people spend their lives in a relentless pursuit of material objects which they believe will bring them ‘happiness’, but to their dismay, the pleasure of acquiring something new is soon replaced by a state of despondency and they start looking for next ‘thing’ that would bring them happiness. Just like a little kid who loses interest in the new hot toy once he has played with it. In reality, happiness is not out there; it’s in here. Happiness is inside us, all we have to do is to get rid of what makes us unhappy. Just like a great sculptor who could find beautiful form, a lovely shape in any rock by removing the unnecessary stone, once you chisel away regret and fear, what you are left with inside is pure and simple happiness - a state of real joy, wonder and bliss.

Regret and fear, two powerful emotions, are the two enemies of peace and happiness. Regret is a feeling of shame, loss, anxiety, frustration that comes from something we did or something that was done to us in the past. Fear is about future, something that we feel might go wrong in the future. Real wisdom is to learn from the past, not regret it, and be prepared for the future, not be fearful about it, and always live in today, because today is what is real.

Happiness is not an objective which you would achieve someday, happiness is in your prayer in the morning, it’s in the aroma of your morning coffee, it’s in your phone conversation with a friend you have not spoken with in a long time, it’s in completing that assignment you have been working on for many days, it’s in the evening meal with your family, it’s in reading the book in your bed before going to sleep. It’s in all those ‘little’ things that we all do without always appreciating them. Happiness is not out there; it’s in here. You are the happiness you want. You are the destination you’ve been trying to reach.

Here are few suggestions to discover the happiness that lies beneath the eccentricities of everyday life.

Take responsibility for your happiness.
You and only you are responsible for making yourself happy. Nobody or ‘no thing’ is just going to show up to make you happy. Make a decision to be happy and happiness will manifest itself in your life.

Learn to Forgive.
You can never be happy unless you learn to first forgive yourself and then forgive others for whatever has happened in the past. By forgiving, you not only change past, you also start laying the foundation for a better and happier future. Quran says “He who forgives, and is reconciled unto his enemy, shall receive his reward from God.”
Successful people don't have time for hatred or revenge. They know that they can’t go back in time and change things. From their past, they want the wisdom of experience, and the memories that empower them; not the limiting behaviors such as hatred and revenge. Follow the lead of successful people. Forgive and move on.


Smile.
Happy people smile a lot. Put on a smiley face even when you feel that your day is not going that great. Actions have power to change our feelings and emotions.

Set yourself measurable goals.
Forget the lofty New Year resolutions; set yourself achievable goals and mini-goals. It sounds good to list ‘lose weight’ as your New Year resolution, but if you don’t break it down to weekly mini-goals you will not be able to measure your progress. If your goal is to loose 20 pounds in four months, set yourself mini-goal of losing one pound every week. This will make you happy every week and help you stay on track. If you can’t save 100 dollars a month, it is quite unlikely that you will be able to save 1200 dollars in a year.

Live within your means.
One of the major sources of stress in the modern world is that people take on too many financial obligations in order to acquire things that they believe would bring them happiness. Happiness these things bring is usually short lived, but resulting debt takes a long time to be paid back. Stay out of debt. Always spend less than what you make and never spend what you don’t have.

Make others happy.
Best way to attract happiness in your life is to help make other people happy. Seek opportunities to be kind to the people, even if it’s the little things like holding door or saying ‘good morning’ to a stranger.

Have faith.
God did not send you to this world to live an unhappy and miserable life. God wants you to live a happy and prosperous life. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Be grateful and count your blessings.
Before you go to bed every night, count five good things that you are grateful for. There is no point in reliving the pain of what did not go well for you today, so just count your blessings, you will attract more of them.

Turn off that news channel.
If something bad is happening somewhere in the world, news reporters are going to cover it. And if you are used to seeing the world through the eyes of the news caster, you are not going to have a worldview that is conducive to a happy life.

Learn to live in the moment.
Whatever it is that you are doing, do it with complete awareness and present mindedness. If you are having dinner, focus on your food and stop thinking about that overdue assignment. Touch your food, smell the aroma, taste the flavor, talk about how it looks – just immerse yourself for few minutes in the experience of having dinner. And if you enjoy the food in that manner, just remember to praise the cook too, particularly if she happens to be your wife.
In a similar manner, if you are out in the park for a walk, just enjoy that moment. Touch the trees, feel the breeze, smell the whiff, listen to the sounds, be in a state of total awareness to your surroundings. Forget the world and all its worries for few minutes. Live in the present moment, that’s where happiness lives.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

PEOPLE MAKE THE DIFFERENCE

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"The greatest genius will never be worth much if he pretends to draw exclusively from his own resources."- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The quickest way to change your life is to make friends with the people who aspire and embody the change you want in your life. People whose goals and values are aligned with your goals and values can make your journey easy and exciting.

Kind of people you choose to be associated with and be friends with is important because you can’t be a success if everyone around you is a failure; you can’t have a positive attitude if all your friends are full of negativity; you are not likely to become a police officer if you are hanging out with thieves; your chances of becoming a history professor are not going to be very high if everyone around you is into wrestling.

You are the writer and director of this movie called your life. You get to write the story and choose the actors. You have a choice to select people to play a part in this movie. Who makes an entrance at what scene and when they leave the scene; you get to choose all that. Nobody should be able to take that choice away from you. It’s your life. But this empowerment comes with a huge responsibility. Having a trusted group of advisors and friends around will always be helpful. They will keep you real.

People who develop great relationships and friendships always focus on what others need. They are always looking for opportunities to help others. They are connectors; they connect people to one another. They are experts in their fields, people come to them for advice and they always seem to have the right answers. They are also great listeners; they posses the ability to listen to others without being judgmental.

Tim Sanders - a well known leadership coach - in his wonderfully written book “Love Is the Killer App: How to Win Business and Influence Friends” states that it’s the personal relationships more than anything that determines success at work. Sanders recommends a combination of knowledge, network and compassion for connecting with people at an emotional level. He ends his book with a great thought: “long after you’re gone, people will forget what you said or what you did, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.”

One of the best examples of the transformational powers of friendship is the story of Rumi and Shams Tabriz. Rumi was not really Rumi until he met Shams Tabriz. Shams Tabriz has been in search all his life for someone who could answer his questions not just by quoting books and scripture but from heart, from personal experience. He found his man in Rumi. Rumi also found out that Shams could teach him what no book could ever teach him. A chance encounter in a bazaar in Konya changed Rumi’s life forever. Shams’s friendship elevated Rumi from a scholar to a philosopher, by helping Rumi expand his understanding of love, humanity and oneness of God. Rumi’s best poetry, which continues to fascinate the people around the world to this date, came after Shams left, never to come back again.

“Why should I seek? I am the same as he.
His essence speaks through me.
I have been searching for myself”


Keep on the look for your Shams Tabriz; you might discover the Rumi inside you.


Here are some practical tips to make friends and network with the right people.


Greet people with openness, warmth and curiosity.
When you meet new people, be open, warm, and curious. Greet them with a smile on your face, shake their hands firmly and show genuine curiosity by asking questions and listening. Don’t try to impress them, just be open and willing to get impressed. What really matter here is how you make people feel about themselves, not how they feel about you. Before they open and listen to your story, they want to be heard and they want to make sure that you care about them. People like people who make them feel better and important.


Become a great listener.
Active and empathic listening is the most important tool to build connections with people. Key to listening is focusing on the other person, making a sincere effort to understand what other person have to say without worrying about what you have to say when other person stops talking. Don't give advice, don't pass a judgment, don't interrupt for corrections, and don’t readily dismiss other person view point. Just listen with a sincere desire to understand.
Let the person know that you understand what they are saying. Empathize with what they are feeling. Help them open up with encouraging words and gestures. But don’t start your own story. Make sure that they feel heard and understood before conversation turns to you.
Also, pay close attention to non-verbal communication. It’s said that 80 percent of the communications happens through non-verbal means. Pay attention to facial expression, posture, tone, and emotions will help you better understand the people.


Keep contacts alive.
Great friendships don’t just happen, they need to be nurtured and looked after. Stay in touch. Rapid growth in internet technologies such as email, instant messaging, social & professional networking websites, etc. in recent years has made it very convenient to stay in touch with people even when they are geographically dispersed through out the world.
Share that article you read this morning to your selected contacts on your contact list who could be interested in that subject. Invite your family and friends to see the pictures of your latest fishing trip on your online album. Make time on weekends to call people and see how they are doing. People trust people who they have known for sometime.


Let go of shyness.
There is no need to be timid and shy when it comes to going to a stranger, say hello and introducing yourself. Chances are that other person will be glad that you took the first step and relieved them of the pressure to do the same. Create opportunities to talk to the right people. Learn to introduce yourself and make small talk. So, next time you are at a party or a meeting, show some courage and introduce yourself to people who appear to be compatible with you, get curious and try to know more about them, exchange business cards, and don’t forget to follow up.


Be fun to be around.
You don’t have to be Jerry Seinfeld for people to like you, just loosen up a little, let go of that angry look on your face, smile and be curious. There is no need to take every thing too seriously. Meeting new people and making friends is fun activity. Keep it that way.


Make people feel good.
People like people who make them feel good, appreciated, and important. Never put people down. Don’t try to win every argument. Sometimes it’s better to be happy than to be right. You don’t always have to be the person with the best story to tell. Let other people shine. Allow them to be a hero even when you think that you have all the answers. Show some humility. It’s ok to say sorry even when you know for sure that you are right. People don’t always like smart people who make them feel worthless, they rather prefer average people who make them feel valuable. Praise people for whatever you find good about them. It could be a nice shirt they are wearing, their sense of humor or their point of view. Be genuine but always look for opportunities to praise what you see as praiseworthy.



Make yourself visible.
At parties and other social occasions don’t just sit in the corner focused on your food. Walk around and make yourself visible.


Reach out to people when they need help.
People remember those who helped them when they were down, weak, and vulnerable. Seek out and reach out to such people, they will remember your kindness and generosity long after you have forgotten it.